After all these years - just gotta clear my name! You think you know what happened with the goat? You don't know a bloody thing! That's right! Not guilty! Never shagged a bloody goat - never in my life! Yeah, Albus, he thinks he can talk about me, but at least I never did a dark lord! Can't just raise goats these days without being accused of being a pervert! At least not if Albus Dumbledore's your brother! I don't want to know what goes on in his head! This is Aberforth Dumbledore. I do know how to read. And I never did that goat. Tell your family, tell your friends - never happened. We've got our little band here tonight in Hogsmeade...as you can tell, I'm the lead singer. Got Mundungus Fletcher here on the drums, and that's Elphias Doge on guitar. Not too bad of a bloke, even if he was friends with Albus. See, Elphias, you tell him you never did the goat, he believes you. Nice bloke. You want to know that the inappropriate charm was? I charmed the goat so it would know how to bleat, "Albus Dumbledore - is a stupid - WANKER!" Then he gets me brought up on charges, 'cause that's the kind of brother he is! Look, look, I, I know I, I started it with the goat. But he was a stupid wanker, I can't help that. You thought he was some kind of genius? He didn't learn how to do his own laundry till he was thirty-two bloody years old! Yeah, geniuses, you might think they're real smart, until you actually have to live with one! [sound of goats bleating] Hey! Who let in the goats?! [music stops, goats keep bleating] Look, when it says "The Real Story of Aberforth's Goat (Live in Hogsmeade)", that means the song's being PLAYED live in Hogsmeade, not that a bunch of - bloody buggering goats are supposed to show up live in - bloody buggering Hogsmeade! [goats keep bleating] God, I need a drink.

A is for Albus, shot dead by a spell B is for Bella, who went straight to hell C is for Cedric, Tom ended his life D is for Dobby, stabbed dead by a knife E is for Edgar, they showed him no mercy F is for Fred, who made up with Percy G is for Gellert, in prison he died H is for Hedwig, by unfortunate ride I is for Ignotus, for death he did follow J is for James, slain in Godric's Hollow K is for Karkaroff, found dead in a shack L is for Lily, not betrayed by Black M is for Merope, who had birthed the devil N is for Nagini, beheaded by Neville O is for Odo, who died a young man P is for Percival, in Azkaban Q is fo Quirrell, abandoned by Tom R is for Remus, killed with his son's mom S is for Sirius, who fell through the veil T is for Tonks, who did not prevail U is for Umbridge, we WISH she'd expire V is for Vincent, consumed by Fiendfyre W is for Wormtail, with one final sigh X is for Xenophilius, for someday he'll die Y is for You-Know-Who, like Trelawney said Z is for Zabini, his wife's why he's dead

I was walking down the corridor, and thinking about how in Herbology that day we were supposed to be re-potting. I love re-potting, I think it's really good for my blood pressure. I was really excited, and I was thinking all these great thoughts about plants and roots and leaves... And then all of a sudden...I heard these footsteps behind me. And I looked and it was Snape! He had this glare on his face, like, like not even a normal Snape glare, but like he wanted to kill someone, really kill someone! And I thought, oh my God. Harry's in the hospital wing. So what if because Snape can't kill Harry, he wants to kill me? Then my gran will kill Snape, for killing me - Gran will go to Azkaban! And there won't be anyone to visit her! And after Snape's killed me, he'll probably chop me up and use me for potions ingredients! I mean, you'd think it wouldn't happen, but he's Snape, so how are you supposed to know if it would happen, it might happen - he's Snape! I'd never get to do all that great re-potting in Herbology! And then I remembered about how yesterday, Seamus had told this joke about Snape and his hair, and I laughed because it was funny, but what if Snape found out that I laughed? What if he was coming to get me? Or what if he knew, about how Hermione looked at my last Potions essay before I turned it in? And I wonderd which he wanted more: to keep his job, or to kill me! He was walking by me, and I thought, he's gonna look at me, I know he's gonna look at me! And then he just kept walking past me. I don't think he even saw me. And I thought, oh, I'm alive. It's all right, Neville, you're alive. I can go to Herbology! And do all that great repotting, it's so much fun really. I love re-potting.

I've got a new potion, Marietta Professor Slughorn helped this time It's got ground unicorn hair And extracts of basil and thyme Cho's making you a hat for Christmas The wool is bronze and blue But maybe we'll be lucky this time, Marietta And this will be my gift to you [Chorus] So hold still, Marietta I hope this potion doesn't sting But you know what I think, Marietta To me your scars don't mean a thing I know you don't believe in Snorkacks And you think my earrings should be food But you'll never say that, Marietta Because you're sweet and you don't want to be rude Hermione thinks she's so clever But clever doesn't mean she's wise I think even she'd cry, Marietta If she saw the look that's in your eyes [Chorus] So hold still, Marietta I hope this potion doesn't sting But you know what I think, Marietta To me your scars don't mean a thing

Ugh, I do not like being on this ship. It is cold and dark and lonely! [pause] Maybe...if Viktor were Snitch...he could be Snitch of LOVE. You see, back in Bulgaria, Snitch chase YOU! If I were a Snitch, man I would fly right off this ship and to the Quidditch pitch Being cooped up makes me want to twitch If I were a Golden Snitch Fly to Karkaroff's room Steal his vodka, steal his rum and have a party up on deck If I were a tiny Golden Snitch I could go anywhere that I liked I'd fly to Diggory's room and look in his window See how much gel is in his hair I bet he combs it one hundred times a day Then I'd fly up and I'd find Gryffindor Tower See if Hermy-own-ninny was there Get in the window or some other way I'd turn back into Vicktor, sweep her off her feet And ask her to be my Yule Ball date I see her in the Hogwarts library She would tell me that she had been thinking of me All through the days and through the nights She'd say, "Oh Viktor, I think this is fate..." If I were a Snitch, man I would spy on Harry Potter and see if he solved the clue The egg just screams, I don't know what to do! Karkaroff, he is stumped too If I were a Snitch, man I would find that veela Fleur and I would hear what her egg said All the boys want to get in her bed But I want Hermy-own-ninny instead I find a book on romance up in the library Helps because I don't know what to say Because I'm quiet, some people think I'm dumb But I have plans for few years from now, I will come back With diamond ring for her sweet hand And then I'll make her Herm-own-ninny Krum If I were a Snitch, man All my problems would be gone and my life would be worry-free Everything good would happen to me It would be heavenly... God who made the broomstick and the pitch I want to win my lovely little witch Just for one day, could you make the switch And make me a Golden Snitch?