This may surprise you, but Crabbe didn't die
He fell in Fiendfyre and started to fry
But as he lay there, flames scalding his tush
He heard a voice speaking...
Like with Moses and the burning bush...

When the battle was over, he went to find Goyle
He said to him, "Gregory, I nearly boiled.
I thought I would die without dating a babe-raham
But then I heard the voice of the God of Abraham -
He said helping Voldie had blacked our souls' hues
And to find His forgiveness, we must become Jews.
Just hear me now, Gregory, please don't recoil -
I'll be a rabbi, and you'll be a mohel.

"We'll put down our broomsticks and study the Torah -
Refrain from the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah.
We'll learn to cook the kosher kind of dragon and guava
And marry nice girls named Tzeitel and Chava.
So hear me now, Gregory, please don't recoil -
I'll be a rabbi and you'll be a mohel."

The temple at Hogsmeade received two new members
Crabbe dreamed every night of the flames and the embers
They learned to speak Hebrew and went through circumcision
They analyzed the Torah with depth and precision
Draco sneed and he smirked, but he went to the wedding
Of Vincent and Hodel - whose fate Goyle was dreading...

Once home from their honeymoon, they found a small note -
Crabbe started to read it - it said, and I quote,
"I'm sorry, Rabbi Crabbe, but I'm not of your ilk -
I know I'm a gay Jew, like Harvey Milk.
I've taken my yarmulke, tight jeans and Crisco -
I'll write to you again when I get to San Francisco."

The letter came later: "Dear Vincent, I'm here.
I'm cruising the Castro and drinking some beer.
Last night I hooked up with Ernie Macmillan
And Blaise is here too, we're hangin' and chillin'.
I know we've got a debt to the God of Abraham
But he never said I couldn't have a male babe-raham.
I think that my matzoh is starting to boil -
Au revoir, Rabbi Crabbe, from Goyle the Mohel."