Ugh, I do not like being on this ship. It is cold and dark and lonely! [pause] Maybe...if Viktor were Snitch...he could be Snitch of LOVE. You see, back in Bulgaria, Snitch chase YOU!

If I were a Snitch, man
I would fly right off this ship and to the Quidditch pitch
Being cooped up makes me want to twitch
If I were a Golden Snitch

Fly to Karkaroff's room
Steal his vodka, steal his rum and have a party up on deck
If I were a tiny Golden Snitch
I could go anywhere that I liked

I'd fly to Diggory's room and look in his window
See how much gel is in his hair
I bet he combs it one hundred times a day
Then I'd fly up and I'd find Gryffindor Tower
See if Hermy-own-ninny was there
Get in the window or some other way

I'd turn back into Vicktor, sweep her off her feet
And ask her to be my Yule Ball date
I see her in the Hogwarts library
She would tell me that she had been thinking of me
All through the days and through the nights
She'd say, "Oh Viktor, I think this is fate..."

If I were a Snitch, man
I would spy on Harry Potter and see if he solved the clue
The egg just screams, I don't know what to do!
Karkaroff, he is stumped too

If I were a Snitch, man
I would find that veela Fleur and I would hear what her egg said
All the boys want to get in her bed
But I want Hermy-own-ninny instead

I find a book on romance up in the library
Helps because I don't know what to say
Because I'm quiet, some people think I'm dumb
But I have plans for few years from now, I will come back
With diamond ring for her sweet hand
And then I'll make her Herm-own-ninny Krum

If I were a Snitch, man
All my problems would be gone and my life would be worry-free
Everything good would happen to me
It would be heavenly...

God who made the broomstick and the pitch
I want to win my lovely little witch
Just for one day, could you make the switch
And make me a Golden Snitch?