After all these years - just gotta clear my name! You think you know what happened with the goat? You don't know a bloody thing!

That's right! Not guilty! Never shagged a bloody goat - never in my life!

Yeah, Albus, he thinks he can talk about me, but at least I never did a dark lord! Can't just raise goats these days without being accused of being a pervert! At least not if Albus Dumbledore's your brother! I don't want to know what goes on in his head!

This is Aberforth Dumbledore. I do know how to read. And I never did that goat.

Tell your family, tell your friends - never happened.

We've got our little band here tonight in Hogsmeade...as you can tell, I'm the lead singer. Got Mundungus Fletcher here on the drums, and that's Elphias Doge on guitar. Not too bad of a bloke, even if he was friends with Albus. See, Elphias, you tell him you never did the goat, he believes you. Nice bloke.

You want to know that the inappropriate charm was? I charmed the goat so it would know how to bleat, "Albus Dumbledore - is a stupid - WANKER!" Then he gets me brought up on charges, 'cause that's the kind of brother he is!

Look, look, I, I know I, I started it with the goat. But he was a stupid wanker, I can't help that.

You thought he was some kind of genius? He didn't learn how to do his own laundry till he was thirty-two bloody years old! Yeah, geniuses, you might think they're real smart, until you actually have to live with one!

[sound of goats bleating]

Hey! Who let in the goats?!

[music stops, goats keep bleating]

Look, when it says "The Real Story of Aberforth's Goat (Live in Hogsmeade)", that means the song's being PLAYED live in Hogsmeade, not that a bunch of - bloody buggering goats are supposed to show up live in - bloody buggering Hogsmeade!

[goats keep bleating]

God, I need a drink.